This year has been a whirlwind and if I’m completely honest it’s been difficult to pick out the good from the bad.
The first half of the year was a challenge. The financial difficulties that we faced were very unexpected. Work situations went from bad to worse and we found ourselves struggling to get by. My life felt even more split than it had in years past. I didn’t know that the phrase “my new normal” was going to be as consistent as it’s been. Every few days made Christopher and I re-evaluate where we were going. It sucked and I’m not sure if he felt the same strain as I did, but it was scary.
We celebrated four “official” years together in March, although it might as well have been six. That had its own set of challenges and our anniversary was not what we had planned. Our original plan involved us going into Washington D.C. for a few days and making our way to New York City. Instead we found ourselves sitting in a living room, the same as we did every day. Our situation was a lot worse than we had realized.
But we still continued on. A new job change made things a lot more bearable and from that point on our quality of life improved. It’s still a struggle, but we’ve figured out methods to make things work.
Without warning, winter moved into summer. We seemed to have skipped the spring months completely. That was when the problems began.
If I’m going to be completely honest, there were several times that I genuinely thought I was going to die. My anxiety has gotten to a point where I have become terrified of everything. I’ve had anxiety for a very long time, but for some reason it struck full force. In the middle of September, I was positive that I was having a heart attack. In the back of my mind I knew it was a panic attack as I had been having them for a few weeks, but that particular night sucked. I was aware that panic attacks cause a very similar reaction in your body, but I had never felt it before. It’s a scary and jarring experience and that night has sent me down a very long and painful journey.
October was mostly not exciting. I celebrated my birthday and that was the extent of that. At this point I had leveled out with my anxiety. The panic attacks weren’t as frequent and I was able to function in every day life. I had a follow up doctor’s appointment at the end of the month where things were confirmed to be okay. The only thing that frustrated me was at this point I wanted something to help manage my anxiety, but I was told no. I accepted that answer and I shouldn’t have.
November was met with more struggles, more panic attacks, and aches and pains I’m still not sure were real. More medical things were done and that sent me into a mess of emotion. Everything has been manageable, but everyone has made me feel otherwise. It’s been stressful.
This month? Well, December has been a series of ups and downs, but unfortunately most of it has been at its lowest points. Let’s run through the list:
After struggling for the past three months I finally made another doctor’s appointment. For the first time my weight was no longer the issue. My other situations were no longer the issue. Anxiety became the issue and finally someone told me, “It’s time.” I never wanted medication, I still don’t want medication, but finally it was said. “You need the help.”
Yes, yes I do need the help. After three months of visiting the same office and trying to get to this point it finally happened. For the first time in three monthsI feel fine. I finally feel like myself again and it’s such an odd feeling to have. Admittedly, I haven’t taken the medication yet as I’m terrified to take it, but I have it available for when I’m ready. But I feel a million times better knowing that it’s available.
If you were to pull up a list of anxiety symptoms, even the more obscure ones, I hit every single box on the list. The amount of dizzy spells, pains (phantom or real? Still have no idea), and overall lack of well-being was overwhelming. This was my reality and I felt like no one was listening to me or realizing how dire my struggles have been. I hated every second of every day and I was never at any point depressed, but I was miserable. I wanted to feel like me again and I finally do.
That’s not the real reason why you’re here though, is it? You’re here to see what my word for next year will be, but you need to know how I got to my word choice.
My one little word for this year was “progress.” While I didn’t make the big strides that I had wanted, I did find that I made progress in other ways. I finally saw Hamilton on Broadway in September, something I had wanted to do since it premiered three years ago. In that same month, I finally opened up my Etsy shop (again) and have enjoyed being able to create. I started on my weight loss journey, successfully, and though that journey is slow it’s a lot more than I expected. I’ve recently started my own journey to recovery and while it’s a new adventure, I’m very excited for it.
I never found myself in the home that I wanted to start with Christopher. Though desperately wanted, I never made any progress on my future marriage with Christopher. Much to my dismay, I never made it on The Happy Planner Squad like I had dreamed of doing. While I didn’t get to do many of the things I wanted, I realized this wasn’t the right year for any of it.
Everything that has happened finally led me to my one little word for 2019.
free from fear; brave
At the very root of every situation this year, fear was the main cause. Fear of losing out, fear of what others would think, fear of losing any and all control that I have. Fear, fear, fear, fear, and fear. All (or almost all) of my problems had fear as the cause. I want to be fearless and take control of my journey.
While I don’t have exact answers as to why I’ve had so much fear lately or what started off the steady stream, I have an idea. My goal is to live 2019 using that one little word to further myself and my journey. That includes many changes here, many changes on my social media, and many changes to myself as a person. I don’t want to be the one sitting on the sidelines and I want to live the way that I’ve wanted.
There’s a million things I haven’t done, just you wait.